Don't feel emotionally connected? 31 signs your partner is emotionally immature
Orlando Therapist Helping People Heal from Toxic Relationships…
You’re longing for closeness in relationships, but you just can’t seem to make that deep connection. You can’t quite put your finger on what is preventing you from making that meaningful and lasting connection.
You’ve even gone so far as to reflect on your old relationships and evaluate your unhealthy relationship patterns, but even with all this self-reflection and learning from your past, that feeling of being deeply emotionally connected continues to evade you.
At Mindful Living Counseling Orlando, we help people heal from and stop getting into toxic relationships. All of our therapists specialize in helping people move out of unhealthy relationships so that they can cultivate meaningful and satisfying relationships.
What does it feel like to have a deep emotional connection?
It feels safe and without judgment. It’s a place where you can have all of your feelings (no matter what they are) considered, validated, and understood. You can wholly be yourself, warts and all, and know your person isn’t going anywhere. You feel respected and valued in your differences. You know your feelings and your needs matter to your person.
That sense of deep connection comes from the capacity to allow yourself to be seen and heard by another. This is a dynamic experience that requires both you and your person to be emotionally healthy.
What do I mean by emotionally healthy?
It really is quite simple. To be emotionally healthy you must be able to access, feel, experience, and express the full range of human emotions without feeling shame, avoidance, or judgment.
Simple, yes. Easy, no.
Why is it so damn hard to feel our emotions?
Because over the course of our life, we are taught over and over again not to feel our feelings. Think back to being a child. How many times have you heard the following phrases:
Stop being scared. There is nothing to be scared of.
Toughen up. Boys don’t cry.
Girls don’t get angry.
Stop doing that and act like a lady.
Stop crying. There is nothing to cry about.
Stop crying before I give you something to cry about.
Or when crying and distraught, “You’re ok.”
Don’t be so dramatic.
You’re selfish for feeling that way.
You shouldn’t feel that way.
Don’t be such a baby.
Even if the intention is positive behind saying these things, these words send a loud and clear message. And that message is, It is not ok to feel what you feel.
So how do these messages impact people?
They learn to avoid their feelings by minimizing, shaming, judging, and criticizing themselves internally for feeling the emotions that they were told were wrong.
Over time, they learn to disown parts of themselves and build layers of defenses to avoid feeling their shame and judgment around having feelings or needs. Internally, their sense of self becomes fragmented.
And guess what…. When a person can’t be there for their own feelings, they can’t be there for someone else’s feelings. Alas, like a mirage in the desert, that feeling of deep emotional connection continues to elude you.
How do we heal from not feeling our emotions?
Get on the path of self-discovery and healing. My guess is that you already are on the path if you’re reading this article. Make it your passion to become emotionally healthy and have at least one other person in your life that is on the healing path so you can share a safe space to support each other.
As I mentioned above, emotional maturity means being able to access, feel, experience, and express your feelings. You understand that your emotions are internal messages that drive you to get your needs met. You can communicate your emotions and your needs so that you can take care of and honor yourself.
Emotional maturity leads you to be your authentic self. Emotional immaturity keeps you fragmented.
What about intimate relationships?
Look for the red flags of emotionally immature people and if you see them, don’t ignore them. If you’re attempting to develop a deep emotional connection with someone emotionally immature, it’s like expecting your dog to meow like a cat. It’s not ever going to happen.
Like my grandmother used to say, “Lauran, you can’t get blood from a turnip.” And that is what I am telling you here. No matter how nice, funny, attractive, or successful they are, if they are emotionally immature, it is impossible to have an emotional connection.
After the newness of the relationship wears off, you will feel lonely inside of your relationship which is an especially painful kind of loneliness. You’ll feel unseen, unheard, misunderstood, disrespected, broken, overly responsible, and guilty; the list goes on and on.
You’ll feel this way because an emotionally immature person does not have the capacity internally to be there for your feelings. They lack the ability to have empathy for how you are feeling, so they will dismiss, criticize, or analyze your feelings rather than acknowledge and validate your emotions. These people are not bad, they completely lack the ability. They are immature.
Unless your person has the ability and interest to be self-reflective and do their own personal work to heal the wounds that caused them to avoid their emotions, you’re more likely to get your dog to meow than you are to have an emotional connection with someone that isn’t capable.
What are the red flags of an emotionally immature person?
Before we jump into the red flags of an emotionally immature person, I want to say that it can be difficult to see these red flags in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. All the chemicals the brain releases when we experience that ‘falling in love feeling’ makes it difficult to tune into these subtle behaviors. Also, while your person is falling in love with you, they will be very focused on you. When you’re trying to evaluate a new partner’s emotional maturity, be intrigued and curious about how they are with others, rather than how they are with you.
Now, let’s look at the red flags of an emotionally immature person.
Have anger outbursts over minor things
Are critical of others
Talk without listening
Have big feelings that seem to take over the room
Complain and blame frequently
Don’t ask questions in conversations
Use a disrespectful tone
Are temperamental
Are entitled
Are unwilling to take responsibility
Frequently experiences road rage
Are unwilling to talk about emotional topics
Are defensive
Get offended easily
Are reactive
Are impulsive
Unable to see other’s perspective
Critical and judgmental of others
Self-deprecating
Shame others directly or by gossiping
Lack of tolerance for differences
Have a fragile ego
Can’t see their faults
Like to be the center of attention
Lack empathy
Are insensitive to how others are feeling
They scoff at others
They contradict themselves
They are inconsistent words to the action
Deny and avoid problems
Have intense mood swings
Do you believe you're in a relationship with an emotionally immature person?
If you’re longing for emotional connection and deep bonding, but just can’t seem to get there, evaluate your partner’s emotional maturity by going through the above characteristics. If they have more than five or six of the above traits, it’s quite possible that they aren't capable of being there for you emotionally.
Initiate a conversation with your person about your needs and desires for emotional connection. If they are willing to be self-reflective and do some personal work, then you have a chance. If they are intolerant or respond with aggravation, you’re back to the meowing dog conundrum.
In either case, if you have a pattern of being in relationships with emotionally immature people, you will need to do a deep dive of your own to see what’s compelling you into toxic relationships.
Ready to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation?
Sometimes you need a little more than self-help blogs. We get that. If you’re looking for some additional support, we are here to help. We’re offering in-person and virtual appointments. Click here to find out more about counseling at Mindful Living Counseling Orlando.
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Mindful Living Counseling Orlando is a trauma healing center. Our Orlando Therapy Services include anxiety therapy, trauma counseling, eating disorder recovery, teen counseling, and healing from toxic relationships. At Mindful Living Counseling Orlando, we use a down-to-earth approach infused with cutting-edge therapies that go beyond traditional talk therapy so clients can heal at the root level and experience lasting change. Feel free to access one of our Guided Meditations to help you feel settled and calm now.