How to Talk to Your Ex During and After a Breakup
Orlando Therapist: How to Talk to Your Ex During and After a Breakup
Are you going through a breakup and wondering the best way to communicate with your ex? Are you angry and resentful, but just want things to end so you can move on with your life? Are you wondering if you should try to be friends with your ex?
As an Orlando therapist guiding clients through the pain of toxic and unhealthy relationships, I have helped many clients going through the season of a breakup.
When you’re going through a breakup you'll probably feel all sorts of emotions, such as hurt, loneliness, and resentment. It can be hard to process all these difficult and sometimes conflicting feelings.
So what is the best way to be toward your ex during a breakup? Whether the ending of your relationship is from a divorce or a breakup, this blog has tips for how to get through the breakup with your ex in the healthiest way possible.
Give Yourself Some Time to Cool Down.
Whether or not you are the person that ended the relationship or if you feel like it was sprung upon you, you deserve to give yourself some time. Take time to deal with those really intense feelings that come with going through a breakup. Remind yourself that the road to healing doesn’t look the same for everyone, so give yourself a few days, a week, or even a month. Check in with yourself first and make sure that any communication you do have with your ex is coming from a place of being calm and grounded and not emotional and angry.
If you’re struggling with intense feelings about the recent breakup, check out this blog series on breaking up the healthy way.
2. Avoid the Blame Game.
Saying “It’s your fault” will create more conflict. It will put your ex on the defensive and they will most likely fire back with a counterattack. For example, let’s say you’re ending the relationship because your ex cheated and you say, “It’s all your fault! You cheated! You ruined our relationship!” While this may be 100% true. A defensive ex will find ways to blame you back, sounding like, “Well if you had given me more attention, I wouldn’t have cheated!”
If you know you’re done and you don't want to go down the tit-for-tat road, own how the cheating impacts you and how the relationship isn’t going to work for you anymore. “Since you cheated, I can’t trust you anymore. I can’t be in a relationship with someone that I don’t trust.” Stop yourself from engaging in discussions with your ex about who’s at fault it is, instead own how you are feeling and move on.
3. Avoid the Trite Lines.
Any trite lines like, “It's me, not you” or “I just don’t want to be in a relationship anymore” are dismissive and devaluing. Unless your ex is abusive (emotionally, verbally, or physically), let them know what happened to you. As painful as breakups can be, it can be a wonderful opportunity for reflection and growth. If you don’t share what happened to you, your ex will lose out on an opportunity to be introspective and consider what they have learned from the relationship.
“You’re too sensitive” or “You’re too needy” are lines that can be very hurtful and confusing to someone. These lines send the message, “You’re flawed and broken” which evokes shame and despair. Rather than blaming your ex, take responsibility for what happens to you when your ex is “sensitive” or “needy.” For example, “When you get mad at me for checking my phone, I feel controlled and shut down. I need more freedom than this relationship can give me.”
When it comes to breakup conversations, it’s important to take responsibility for how YOU feel. When you put the focus on what is happening for you, you’re not making anyone else wrong or bad. You are coming to terms with what you need and want in a relationship and communicating that this relationship is not meeting your needs.
4. Should We Still be Friends?
Going through a breakup is really tough. You’ve spent time sharing your life with this person. You both know intimate details about each other’s hopes, wishes, desires, and goals. You know what each person gets excited about, as well as what irritates each of you.
There is likely going to be a part of you that is genuinely interested in what is happening in your ex’s life and that is equally interested in sharing your personal triumphs and adversities. Being amicable and being friends are two completely different ways of transitioning out of an intimate relationship.
Being amicable means that your relationship after the breakup is respectful and cordial. It means that you both wish each other well in what lies ahead.
Being friends means that you are attempting to keep the emotional intimacy that you shared in your romantic relationship alive. This can pose a lot of confusion for folks moving out of romance and into friendship.
It’s very difficult for you both to understand and adapt to the new rules of engagement. Usually, each person has a different idea of what “friends” will look and feel like. These different expectations make it difficult to find the new normal. This huge dynamic shift in the relationship will likely create a great deal of turmoil for one or both people.
I suggest couples that choose to be friends after a breakup give each other some time to adjust to being apart for awhile. After you’ve both adjusted to daily life without each other, you will be more likely to succeed at the friend thing.
Therapy Orlando
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About the Author
Orlando Therapist, Lauran Hahn, LMHC, specializes in working with clients that are struggling with anxiety and trauma. She also helps clients heal from and stop getting into toxic relationships. Lauran has a Certified Sensorimotor Psychotherapist as well as a Certified EMDR Therapist and EMDRIA Approved Consultant. She helps people feel calm in their body, at peace their mind and connected in relationships.
Mindful Living Counseling Orlando is a trauma healing center. Our Orlando Therapy Services include anxiety therapy, trauma counseling, EMDR therapy, eating disorder recovery, teen counseling, and healing from toxic relationships. At Mindful Living Counseling Orlando, we use a down-to-earth approach infused with cutting-edge therapies that go beyond traditional talk therapy so clients can heal at the root level and experience lasting change. Feel free to access one of our Guided Meditations to help you feel settled and calm now.